I've been sick for two weeks. The longest I've ever been sick, and I've been so discouraged. Since being back from Thailand on February 11th, I've been at work a total of four days. I feel so disconnected. I feel like I've stayed in one place and watched the entire world shift around me. I know that sounds so melodramatic, but when the only place you've been stuck in for week is your own head...things get a little distorted.
One of my closest friends in the entire world is leaving. She's been there since that first day on June 20th when I came to Denver. We weren't friends until three months later, but she was there! I don't really know what life looks like without her 5 minutes away.
Quite a few dear friends, and mentors, and people whose influence in my life have been indescribable are moving on to different endeavors beyond YWAM.
And I've been stuck here. With nothing but an aggravating lingering cough to break the silence. And tomorrow I move. For the first time in my life, I'll be living pretty much by myself. Maybe in other circumstances I would be more excited...except I've worn out my own welcome in the last few weeks. I've pretty much always lived with really close friends. And now to be on my own...it's so bizarre.
All tied together with the pretty bow of regret. The good-byes that this sickness has forbade me to bid. The hours I hoped to cram full of time with those I am so deeply going to miss. And the loved ones who I so desperately wanted to be there for in their time of need.
I know that frustration is the product of unmet expectations and stolen sense of ownership. Both of which are not mine to hold. And I know that this seemingly dark equation has been missing a crucial element.
Yes, Jesus, it's you. But what are you doing right now? Don't you realize that this timing has been terrible? I'm not sure if you've noticed, but these open doors don't appear as ones of hope. I'm even a bit afraid.
I'm grasping the hilt, firmly with both hands. For stability, accuracy, and also to keep me from shaking. I trust you. Come and be with me?
I trust not just to manage through this season of transition. But to thrive. To take all my desperation and channel it as the driving force that hurls me into your arms. I want to know you like I never have. To love you as never before. To develop such unwavering trust that catapults me into new and beautiful glory of revelation.
LET MY UNTRODDEN EARTH BE THIS: Not the unfamiliarity of my circumstance, but the depth of my love affair with You.
2 comments:
this made me tear. I miss you so much, you have no idea. I've put distance between us and our goodbye because it's just way to freakin' hard. I love you and I can't wait to see you Sunday!
Praying for you, kiddo. I know it must still be hard.
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