Bi-polar Again

Haha, okay, forgive me. That title was purely for shock value. Those of you who know me, know that I used to be bipolar. Those of you who don't...there you go. And that's right. Used to be. Ask me the story sometime.

But that's NOT the point right now. I have a feeling this is going to be a long one. So be warned, and be released from any obligation from reading. But I guess you're at your own computer and I'm no where to be found. I suppose, then, you're already off the hook.

I've learned a lot about leadership lately. To be totally transparent, this has been one of the hardest seasons of my life to date. The weight of responsibility I feel in my job is such that I am unable to put it into words. (Which, according to StrengthsFinder, I should be particularly adept at.) God is using some challenging circumstances around me to drive home the understanding how totally reliant on him I MUST be. And not just when I find myself holding the umbrella of responsibility, but always. But my responsibility is a real one. Even though I hand the weight of it to God, my actions, reactions, words and decisions have profound impact in those I'm serving.

And in my personal life, I have never experienced this kind of heartache. I mean, shoot, even in the psychiatric hospital at least there were other kids sucking down the same concoction of pharmaceutical potions. And this is not to say that no one can understand where I find myself. SO not true. I know people can relate. I just find myself in a unique place where God is my only refuge. And, as lovely as that is, I ache for solace in a tangible way. I'm freed of unforgiveness, but the events that occurred had undeniable repercussions resulting in real consequences in relationships.

In the past I wore a mask in front of others. Meticulously painted with an air of constancy and stability. It was the fight of my life to keep that held up while the rest of me was crumbling beneath the facade. I was freed from that so completely. And we know that we were never intended to hold up masks.

But to hold and possess different sides at once. Is this really all bad? In the first case, yes. But consider this. I find myself in legitimately challenging circumstances. Wounds that have been and are still being inflicted by people I care deeply about. And I have a group of beautiful people who are looking to me to lead, encourage, and direct during this time.

So we are taught to be transparent. Now I dont know about you, but if you've ever had a leader break down in total weakness in front of you, it's incredibly destabilizing. If they are incapacitated...How can I trust them? If I am completely open, can my leader even hear me? Will I burden them? The biggest question: Are we going to be okay?!?!

So is this a mistake? Am I in sin? Outside the will of God? If I am leading, am I supposed to have everything all together? Am I even qualified to do this right now?

That's all just silly. We know that God uses us in our brokenness. That sometimes it can be the best thing for a group, as our brokenness throws us at the feet of God in desperation.

So I lead with a smile. I encourage others in truth that I know I'm still wrestling with. I joke around and try to listen well.

YOU HYPOCRITE!

No, actually. I dont think so. There are two truths I stand on in leadership. Whatever happens: God. Is. Good. End of story. No matter what curveballs come my way, God is always worthy of honor. Truth is unwavering regardless of how much I currently walk in knowledge of it. I know that I know. That I can lead others into truth, not because of who I am, or where I stand. But because of who He is. The second truth: My heart hurts. I'm personally wrestling through tough things, and choosing to face them head on right now. And this is not wrong. And I've asked God, and I'm not just being a baby. These things did hurt.

So where these two exist, there are healthy ways and avenues for walking them out. And only God knows the right balance. So I guess it's a good thing I already find myself sprawled out at his feet.

So two different sides exist at once.

And for the first time total, inexplicable peace covers them both.

Reflections on blogging

I was sitting in Starbucks, SUPPOSEDLY working on a teaching. But my head was spinning to the point of being totally incapable of focusing on this project.

So I grabbed my journal. And was void of all motivation. Then I had this crazy urge to blog.

Why do we blog? I think I guiltily assumed it was because I had this extreme "emo" desire to share my angst with the world in a facet that required zero follow-through. I can vent. And vent to people. And have no one to deliver a swift slap back to reality.

So I put my computer down.

But I realized that's not my heart at all. I think I'd want to blog even if no one read. I'm a verbal processor. And I have a desire to put my feelings out there, but still be able to process as the information goes. And not just in a way that's just for me. The accountability that exists in knowing that the information is accessible, helps me walk myself through truth.

In a journal, I can just put my head down and get lost in a sea of self-pity. But blogging requires pulling up my hypothetical bootstraps.

A while back, God spoke to me very clearly about venting. I had journal pages filled with frustration and hurt. Feeling better after I had processed, but as I would later peruse the vomit-filled pages, I was left with feelings reminiscent of the time I trudged through thigh-high mud ponds looking for disc golf discs. There are many words that try to evoke the correct emotion, but the word I'm really looking for: "icky."

He showed me that my version of "venting" is reflecting on a situation while purposely blocking Holy Spirit from speaking truth into it. My venting is unforgiving. My venting is always played as the victim.

(I'm careful to say "MY venting" because I know that this is not true for everyone! Some people keep everything bottled inside, and you need to get the muck out! This can be a good and healthy thing. My venting was from a wrong heart motive, and God was quick to reveal that to me. I in NO means am saying that anyone who "vents" is wrong. I feel to share this though, because I want to be transparent...in order to be true to my blog. Insert ironic grin here.)

And so I blog. For perspective. For the hope that maybe something I write will bring truth elsewhere. For the practice of making sure that the shared revelation is one that reflects something real...and real in God's eyes, too.

And most of all: for my sanity.

Blogging. A modern day message in a bottle.

Heart Explosion

I have a friend whose facebook status reads as follows:

Charlie Blanch

is 100% cool, 100% funny, 100% smart, and 100% happy;100% dweeb, 100% boring, 100% daft, and 100% grieved; I'm 100% excited, 100% careful, 100% social, and 100% sufficient;100% scared, 100% careless, 100% solitary, and 100% needy

I froze for a moment as I reflected on how true that feels for my life. I am so filled with joy and gratitude. Relief and laughter. And at the exact same moment heart broken, sorrowful, devoid of hope, and empty.

The former so outweighs the latter. God has so tangibly met with me during this time. I am so thankful. So blessed. And so overwhelmed by it.

But these other areas of my heart feel like they are dying.

Many people know I'm a "passionate" person (my new word for "dramatic"). And maybe that's how this seems. But truly there are many things writhing in an unseen depth of my heart.

So balance. Always back to balance.

How do I reconcile all these feelings in my heart? Do I run to people and lay it all out there, bearing the wounds and begging for gauze? Or do I run to God and know that in his arms, all is made right? But we were made for relationship, so should I be transparent? Or should I let Him shield my heart and not allow offense to overtake me?

Balance.

And yet...You. You hold the scale. The scale that never weighs in a formula of law. The scale that holds justice and mercy on either end but is ever regulated by love.

Lord weigh my heart. Weigh my circumstance. I give the right of the outcome to you. Take my heart and teach it love. Let your fire burn in my soul. Rebuild the broken walls of trust with revelation of your faithfulness.