But that's NOT the point right now. I have a feeling this is going to be a long one. So be warned, and be released from any obligation from reading. But I guess you're at your own computer and I'm no where to be found. I suppose, then, you're already off the hook.
I've learned a lot about leadership lately. To be totally transparent, this has been one of the hardest seasons of my life to date. The weight of responsibility I feel in my job is such that I am unable to put it into words. (Which, according to StrengthsFinder, I should be particularly adept at.) God is using some challenging circumstances around me to drive home the understanding how totally reliant on him I MUST be. And not just when I find myself holding the umbrella of responsibility, but always. But my responsibility is a real one. Even though I hand the weight of it to God, my actions, reactions, words and decisions have profound impact in those I'm serving.
And in my personal life, I have never experienced this kind of heartache. I mean, shoot, even in the psychiatric hospital at least there were other kids sucking down the same concoction of pharmaceutical potions. And this is not to say that no one can understand where I find myself. SO not true. I know people can relate. I just find myself in a unique place where God is my only refuge. And, as lovely as that is, I ache for solace in a tangible way. I'm freed of unforgiveness, but the events that occurred had undeniable repercussions resulting in real consequences in relationships.
In the past I wore a mask in front of others. Meticulously painted with an air of constancy and stability. It was the fight of my life to keep that held up while the rest of me was crumbling beneath the facade. I was freed from that so completely. And we know that we were never intended to hold up masks.
But to hold and possess different sides at once. Is this really all bad? In the first case, yes. But consider this. I find myself in legitimately challenging circumstances. Wounds that have been and are still being inflicted by people I care deeply about. And I have a group of beautiful people who are looking to me to lead, encourage, and direct during this time.
So we are taught to be transparent. Now I dont know about you, but if you've ever had a leader break down in total weakness in front of you, it's incredibly destabilizing. If they are incapacitated...How can I trust them? If I am completely open, can my leader even hear me? Will I burden them? The biggest question: Are we going to be okay?!?!
So is this a mistake? Am I in sin? Outside the will of God? If I am leading, am I supposed to have everything all together? Am I even qualified to do this right now?
That's all just silly. We know that God uses us in our brokenness. That sometimes it can be the best thing for a group, as our brokenness throws us at the feet of God in desperation.
So I lead with a smile. I encourage others in truth that I know I'm still wrestling with. I joke around and try to listen well.
YOU HYPOCRITE!
No, actually. I dont think so. There are two truths I stand on in leadership. Whatever happens: God. Is. Good. End of story. No matter what curveballs come my way, God is always worthy of honor. Truth is unwavering regardless of how much I currently walk in knowledge of it. I know that I know. That I can lead others into truth, not because of who I am, or where I stand. But because of who He is. The second truth: My heart hurts. I'm personally wrestling through tough things, and choosing to face them head on right now. And this is not wrong. And I've asked God, and I'm not just being a baby. These things did hurt.
So where these two exist, there are healthy ways and avenues for walking them out. And only God knows the right balance. So I guess it's a good thing I already find myself sprawled out at his feet.
So two different sides exist at once.
And for the first time total, inexplicable peace covers them both.
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